...Gets in the way of everything!!
The last week has been super crazy - I actually got snowed in lol. Took advantage of the snow and went sledging (I was careful!) and made a frankly awesome snowman :)
I have to admit that I am suffering a little guilt right now. Its at times like Christmas when my routine gets thrown out and Ana gets an opportunity to try and talk me into starvation again.
"God, I can't believe you ate a mince pie earlier WITH CREAM, and now you're out for your work Christmas meal EATING A FULL ROAST followed by ICE CREAM. Fat bitch."
It's such a struggle to ignore those sort of thoughts, and avoid the panic. I've done ok so far by making my meals super healthy and allowing for extra treats in between. (A dangerous game in its self as "healthy" easily becomes "restrict" when not monitored.) But I would be lying if I claimed I was as comfortable with Christmas as I would like to be.
Anyway - I'm trying to remember that over eating in December is normal and inevitable! Everyone does it, and those of us with ED's needn't beat ourselves up for acting like the rest of the human race around food every now and again.
Keep strong, keep focused. xx
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
Wednesday, 15 December 2010
So... the Pro ana debate...
Some of you may have read my post on PT about the safeguarding training I attended yesterday. And the fact that said site was flashed up on the screen and described as somewhere the police are keeping an eye on and are concerned about due to peadophiles.
Well, I decided I could no longer stay on PT, what with my work with vulnerable people. But it's been bothering me all day.
Pro ana /' mia sites are somewhere a lot of people go to feel "normal" or included, somewhere to open up.
What does a paedophile want? Someone who is:
1. Under age
2. Vulnerable
3. Desperate for someone to love / like/ approve of them
Therefore, somewhere like PT and the many others out there are the perfect hunting ground for these people.
In the past I have always defended pro ana, but I never considered how clever a paedophile is at manipulating girls to meet them or, more commonly, send them inappropriate photos of themselves.
Quite frankly, this scares me, and I'm beginning to wonder if the cons of a support forum like PT outweigh the pros.
Any comments? I may continue this topic tomorrow, when I have more time.
Well, I decided I could no longer stay on PT, what with my work with vulnerable people. But it's been bothering me all day.
Pro ana /' mia sites are somewhere a lot of people go to feel "normal" or included, somewhere to open up.
What does a paedophile want? Someone who is:
1. Under age
2. Vulnerable
3. Desperate for someone to love / like/ approve of them
Therefore, somewhere like PT and the many others out there are the perfect hunting ground for these people.
In the past I have always defended pro ana, but I never considered how clever a paedophile is at manipulating girls to meet them or, more commonly, send them inappropriate photos of themselves.
Quite frankly, this scares me, and I'm beginning to wonder if the cons of a support forum like PT outweigh the pros.
Any comments? I may continue this topic tomorrow, when I have more time.
Monday, 13 December 2010
Just...feelin' Christmassy :)
Ahhh, Christmas. The calories, the enforced time with family, the disappointing presents, the rubbish TV. How I HATED it last year.
The whole "How many calories should I allow myself for Christmas?" thing. Being genuinely terrified that one day was going to make me fat overnight. The fear of once I start eating, I won't be able to stop, the burning question "HOW MANY CALORIES IN A CHRISTMAS DINNER?"
Well this year I'm looking forward to it all. I'm going to eat the chocolates I get in my stocking and I'm not going to run for an hour after lunch and take a handful of laxatives to try and burn off the calories.
It's just one day out of 365, and it WON'T make me, or anyone else, fat. xx
The whole "How many calories should I allow myself for Christmas?" thing. Being genuinely terrified that one day was going to make me fat overnight. The fear of once I start eating, I won't be able to stop, the burning question "HOW MANY CALORIES IN A CHRISTMAS DINNER?"
Well this year I'm looking forward to it all. I'm going to eat the chocolates I get in my stocking and I'm not going to run for an hour after lunch and take a handful of laxatives to try and burn off the calories.
It's just one day out of 365, and it WON'T make me, or anyone else, fat. xx
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
Last night I ate a chocolate cheesecake from Tesco. It contained 500 calories. I cried before, during and afterwards. I felt the fat sticking to my insides and had an almost uncontrollable urge to run as fast and as far as possible.
I hated every second of the experience, from picking it up and taking it to the till to pay ("The other shoppers and till assistant must think I'm so fat and greedy for buying this.) to sitting at the table, psyching myself up to eat it (Idon't NEED to eat this, it's a pointless exercise which will only make me FAT"), actually eating it ("How many calories in that spoonful? 30?, 40?, 50?) And then putting the empty package in the bin ("Can't believe I ate that, I'm so disgusting, God go and exercise QUICKLY!).
So why do it? Why did I put myself through that? You could argue that I was right when I said I didn't NEED that pudding.
The point was that the cheesecake scared me, and the best way to stop being scared of something? To do it. And you know what? I'm not suddenly fat today, I actually feel ok about myself. No, I'd go so far as to say I feel GOOD today.
After all, why would I let a cheesecake control my emotions? That would be Ana speaking, not me.
I hated every second of the experience, from picking it up and taking it to the till to pay ("The other shoppers and till assistant must think I'm so fat and greedy for buying this.) to sitting at the table, psyching myself up to eat it (Idon't NEED to eat this, it's a pointless exercise which will only make me FAT"), actually eating it ("How many calories in that spoonful? 30?, 40?, 50?) And then putting the empty package in the bin ("Can't believe I ate that, I'm so disgusting, God go and exercise QUICKLY!).
So why do it? Why did I put myself through that? You could argue that I was right when I said I didn't NEED that pudding.
The point was that the cheesecake scared me, and the best way to stop being scared of something? To do it. And you know what? I'm not suddenly fat today, I actually feel ok about myself. No, I'd go so far as to say I feel GOOD today.
After all, why would I let a cheesecake control my emotions? That would be Ana speaking, not me.
Monday, 6 December 2010
"Can you give me some tips?"
So I was talking to a work colleague today who was interested in how I managed to get so thin. I tried the standard "Er, I have ANOREXIA, an inherent fear of food and weight gain."
But that just was not enough for her, she wanted to know what I did to lose so much weight. I think what made me so annoyed was the fact that this colleague is overweight and on a permanent diet. She was only interested because she hoped she could pick up some tips. She thought that Anorexia was essentially a diet.
So I told her some of my many rules: No more than 500 calories a day, 1 hour of exercise everyday, no fast foods, nothing "full fat" Extra calories meant extra exercise...
Did she get it then? Did she hell. She asked me to draw her up a diet plan based on mine. So I did, and here it is:
Breakfast: 1 apple
Mid morning: 1 rice cake, 1 extra light cheese triangle
Lunch: Weight watchers chicken noodle soup
Pm: fat free yoghurt
Dinner: salad, 1 hard boiled egg, slice of ham
total: 400 calories
Enough to send most people running for the hills you would think?
She's starting tomorrow.
I don't know if I am more angry or saddened by her. She is clearly incredibly ignorant to EDs, but she is also desperate to lose weight at any cost. Well, that's something I do identify with.
But that just was not enough for her, she wanted to know what I did to lose so much weight. I think what made me so annoyed was the fact that this colleague is overweight and on a permanent diet. She was only interested because she hoped she could pick up some tips. She thought that Anorexia was essentially a diet.
So I told her some of my many rules: No more than 500 calories a day, 1 hour of exercise everyday, no fast foods, nothing "full fat" Extra calories meant extra exercise...
Did she get it then? Did she hell. She asked me to draw her up a diet plan based on mine. So I did, and here it is:
Breakfast: 1 apple
Mid morning: 1 rice cake, 1 extra light cheese triangle
Lunch: Weight watchers chicken noodle soup
Pm: fat free yoghurt
Dinner: salad, 1 hard boiled egg, slice of ham
total: 400 calories
Enough to send most people running for the hills you would think?
She's starting tomorrow.
I don't know if I am more angry or saddened by her. She is clearly incredibly ignorant to EDs, but she is also desperate to lose weight at any cost. Well, that's something I do identify with.
Thursday, 2 December 2010
Some habits I have no intention of giving up
1. Drinking diet drinks. WHY would anyone choose to DRINK calories? I just don't get it.
2. Grilling instead of frying. I can think of nothing in this world which needs to be fried. Nothing.
3. Fat free yoghurt/cheese etc. They tried to make me eat the full fat ones once. I argued very passionately and won :)
4. Exercise. Ok, so I don't walk for three hours at a time any more, but 30 minutes everyday is a very good habit. And my dog thanks me for it.
5. Not eating after 7pm. I just don't think I would ever NEED to eat after this time. Possibly slightly autistic of me.
6. Bulking up meals with veg or salad. Hey, it fills you up and its good for you!
7. Vegetarian sausages. I genuinely prefer them to real ones.
I guess my point is that actually some things we do when we have EDs aren't really unhealthy. Put it to extremes and add in heavy restriction, then, yeah, you have a problem. Often though it's fine to make these choices. It's a sign of a balanced lifestyle. :)
2. Grilling instead of frying. I can think of nothing in this world which needs to be fried. Nothing.
3. Fat free yoghurt/cheese etc. They tried to make me eat the full fat ones once. I argued very passionately and won :)
4. Exercise. Ok, so I don't walk for three hours at a time any more, but 30 minutes everyday is a very good habit. And my dog thanks me for it.
5. Not eating after 7pm. I just don't think I would ever NEED to eat after this time. Possibly slightly autistic of me.
6. Bulking up meals with veg or salad. Hey, it fills you up and its good for you!
7. Vegetarian sausages. I genuinely prefer them to real ones.
I guess my point is that actually some things we do when we have EDs aren't really unhealthy. Put it to extremes and add in heavy restriction, then, yeah, you have a problem. Often though it's fine to make these choices. It's a sign of a balanced lifestyle. :)
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
Self indulgent comparison on my daily diet now and a year ago... :)
I think this is a useful exercise for anyone in recovery, sometimes we can forget how far we've come. So, here is a typical day for me one year ago. In fact, I've dug out my "Ana diary" and actually FOUND today's date last year to put on here :) and then what I ate today follows!
1.12.09
Breakfast:
Ready brek made with water (110 cals)
Lunch:
weight watchers chicken noodle soup (50 cals)
Mid afternoon:
2 x satsumas (50 cals)
Dinner: Salad, 2 slices of ham (150 cals)
total: 350 calories.
1.12.10:
B: 2 weetabix, skimmed milk, apple (250)
L: Ham sandwich, crisps, grapes (450)
Mid afternoon: Slice of cake (250)
Dinner: jacket potato, tuna and salad (400)
Evening: Hot chocolate, packet of malteasers (300)
1,650 cals
And you know what? The food I consumed today is technically not enough. I aim to have 2000 calories a day in order to maintain my weight. In theory, if I continue to eat around 1,600 a day, I will LOSE weight.
So, today, I ask anybody reading with an ED to eat an extra 100 calories. Just today. I promise it won't make a difference to your weight, but it could make you feel a little more human, and it may even kick start your metabolism.
1.12.09
Breakfast:
Ready brek made with water (110 cals)
Lunch:
weight watchers chicken noodle soup (50 cals)
Mid afternoon:
2 x satsumas (50 cals)
Dinner: Salad, 2 slices of ham (150 cals)
total: 350 calories.
1.12.10:
B: 2 weetabix, skimmed milk, apple (250)
L: Ham sandwich, crisps, grapes (450)
Mid afternoon: Slice of cake (250)
Dinner: jacket potato, tuna and salad (400)
Evening: Hot chocolate, packet of malteasers (300)
1,650 cals
And you know what? The food I consumed today is technically not enough. I aim to have 2000 calories a day in order to maintain my weight. In theory, if I continue to eat around 1,600 a day, I will LOSE weight.
So, today, I ask anybody reading with an ED to eat an extra 100 calories. Just today. I promise it won't make a difference to your weight, but it could make you feel a little more human, and it may even kick start your metabolism.
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