happy 2011!

his year has flown by! I can't believe how far I've come :)

Anyway, a new year is a good time to make a new start - but be careful of trying to change too much in one go! If you decide to recover, give up smoking and learn to drive all at once, you may well end up failing.

For me, my resolution is keep thinking and acting positively during 2011. Sometimes that in its self can be hard enough.

What's your resolution? is it realistic? achievable?

Here's to a happy, HEALTHY new year to everyone who reads this or visits www.anabites.webs.com

Love and peace,
Bella xx

my website!

I have started a sort of recovery website / not triggering website.

Please, come  join us. It's small, but I hope it will be very supportive and welcoming :)

http://anabites.webs.com/

for prettythin

Dear James,

    I doubt very much that I will get a response from you. I never have before, and I am about to perform a massive U turn with my opinion of this site.

   I am in a position where I have used PT both through my ED and during my recovery. I can now, with insight and a clear head say that PT certainly made my ED worse.

  Now, from this, I would suggest that PT encourages ED's. Which, in turn would make it "pro ana".

  I spent a huge amount of time in the forums, and despite the no tip rule, there are diets, messages of "support" (Basically saying "Keep strong, Don't eat") and very unwell people searching fro a little attention.

  This is a cocktail for "creepers" as you call them.

I have to say, that I attended some safeguarding training for my job. Prettythin was discussed. Yes, PT was flashed on a screen and described as "a massive concern."

Why? Because it attracts paedophiles and encourages starvation. No matter what your disclaimer says.

  I need to say this: Young women suffering from an ed are not in a place where they can make good judgements. I know, I've been there.

An ED makes us want to believe what we see. PT feels sake as well, making it even harder to see that someone may be a 40 year old man. Many members give out facebook details, phone numbers, even on occasion addresses

What people seem to be horribly naive of is that the point of being groomed is that YOU DON'T REALISE. Do you know how easy it is to find out what school someone attends? Use facebook or PT to see what they look like?

Add to this the fact that many many members just want to feel worth something, and it is a recipe for disaster. "Creepers" Know what to look for. They search for vulnerabilities and exploit them.

It horrifies me that when I have brought this up on PT, I have been met with responses such as "Oh, I know I'm not talking to Paedos." or "I only give my phone number to people  I've got to know,"

There is a terrifying lack of awareness on here, and I feel you have a responsibility to do something about that.

You are quite simply not doing enough. PT needs an age restriction, needs moderators online 24/7. Needs an instant "panic button"

Above all else, PT members need it drummed into them that This place is quite simply NOT SAFE. Remember that it is well known enough to be topic for conversation at a safeguarding course.

You know, I'm going to post this on the forums too. as I doubt you will even aknowledge it.

Yours,

Bella

LOL, try avoiding alcohol on Christmas day when you are keeping the fact you are pregnant secret (just 3 more weeks until we can tell our families :) )

You know, as an anorexic I've always put a great deal of stress around Christmas. All the food and other people cooking for you and the unknown calories and the pressure to "Not ruin another Christmas." I have to admit that I have been nervous about it, as I keep saying, Recovery isn't simple, Ana tends to keep popping up to say hi.

I had a little blip on Christmas eve. I decided I didn't need  to eat yesterday as I would eat so much today. I hated it, really. I felt like I was letting myself down so much, and so I shared it with my family and they were great. We all ate soup for lunch and then steak and salad for dinner last night. As a price for this, they asked me to eat a mince pie with a teaspoon of cream on top. It was fine, and a good compromise to make. Low stress in a weak moment, but by no means giving in.

Remember that. It's ok to have a bad day. What's important is the ability to compromise, and push yourself as far as you are comfortable with.

My Mum has a postcard on the fridge door. It says. "Without challenge, there can be no achievement."

Take that as you will, I use it as a recovery mantra.

Merry Christmas. xxx

Christmas and snow...

...Gets in the way of everything!!

The last week has been super crazy - I actually got snowed in lol. Took advantage of the snow and went sledging  (I was careful!) and made a frankly awesome snowman :)

   I have to admit that I am suffering a little guilt right now. Its at times like Christmas when my routine gets thrown out and Ana gets an opportunity to try and talk me into starvation again.

"God, I can't believe you ate a mince pie earlier WITH CREAM, and now you're out for your work Christmas meal EATING A FULL ROAST followed by ICE CREAM. Fat bitch."

It's such a struggle to ignore those sort of thoughts, and avoid the panic. I've done ok so far by making my meals super healthy and allowing for extra treats in between. (A dangerous game in its self as "healthy" easily becomes "restrict" when not monitored.) But I would be lying if I claimed I was as comfortable with Christmas as I would like to be.

Anyway - I'm trying to remember that over eating in December is normal and inevitable! Everyone does it, and those of us with ED's needn't  beat ourselves up for acting like the rest of the human race around food every now and again.
 Keep strong, keep focused. xx

So... the Pro ana debate...

Some of you may have read my post on PT about the safeguarding training I attended yesterday. And the fact that said site was flashed up on the screen and described as somewhere the police are keeping an eye on and are concerned about due to peadophiles.

   Well, I decided I could no longer stay on PT, what with my work with vulnerable people. But it's been bothering me all day.

Pro ana /' mia sites are somewhere a lot of people go to feel "normal" or included, somewhere to open up.

What does a paedophile want? Someone who is:
1. Under age
2. Vulnerable
3. Desperate for someone to love / like/ approve of them

Therefore, somewhere like PT and the many others out there are the perfect hunting ground for these people.

In the past I have always defended pro ana, but I never considered how clever a paedophile is at manipulating girls to meet them or, more commonly, send them inappropriate photos of themselves.

Quite frankly, this scares me, and I'm beginning to wonder if the cons of a support forum like PT outweigh the pros.

Any comments? I may continue this topic tomorrow, when I have more time.

Just...feelin' Christmassy :)

Ahhh, Christmas. The calories, the enforced time with family, the disappointing presents, the rubbish TV. How I HATED it last year.
The whole "How many calories should I allow myself for Christmas?" thing. Being genuinely terrified that one day was going to make me fat overnight. The fear of once I start eating, I won't be able to stop, the burning question "HOW MANY CALORIES IN A CHRISTMAS DINNER?"

Well this year I'm looking forward to it all. I'm going to eat the chocolates I get in my stocking and I'm not going to run for an hour after lunch and take a handful of laxatives to try and burn off the calories.

It's just one day out of 365, and it WON'T make me, or anyone else, fat. xx

Last night I ate a chocolate cheesecake from Tesco. It contained 500 calories. I cried before, during and afterwards. I felt the fat sticking to my insides and had an almost uncontrollable urge to run as fast and as far as possible.

I hated every second of the experience, from picking it up and taking it to the till to pay ("The other shoppers and till assistant must think I'm so fat and greedy for buying this.) to sitting at the table, psyching myself up to eat it (Idon't NEED to eat this, it's a pointless exercise which will only make me FAT"), actually eating it ("How many calories in that spoonful? 30?, 40?, 50?) And then putting the empty package in the bin ("Can't believe I ate that, I'm so disgusting, God go and exercise QUICKLY!).

So why do it? Why did I put myself through that? You could argue that I was right when I said I didn't NEED that pudding.

The point was that the cheesecake scared me, and the best way to stop being scared of something? To do it. And you know what? I'm not suddenly fat today, I actually feel ok about myself. No, I'd go so far as to say I feel GOOD today.

After all, why would I let a cheesecake control  my emotions? That would be Ana speaking, not me.

"Can you give me some tips?"

So I was talking to a work colleague today who was interested in how I managed to get so thin. I tried the standard "Er, I have ANOREXIA, an inherent fear of food and weight gain."
But that just was not enough for her, she wanted to know what I did to lose so much weight. I think what made me so annoyed was the fact that this colleague is overweight and on a permanent diet. She was only interested because she hoped she could pick up some tips. She thought that Anorexia was essentially a diet.

  So I told  her some of my many rules: No more than 500 calories a day, 1 hour of exercise everyday, no fast foods, nothing "full fat" Extra calories meant extra exercise...

   Did she get it then? Did she hell. She asked  me to draw her up a diet plan based on mine. So I did, and here it is:

Breakfast: 1 apple
Mid morning: 1 rice cake, 1 extra light cheese triangle
Lunch: Weight watchers chicken noodle soup
Pm: fat free yoghurt
Dinner: salad, 1 hard boiled egg, slice of ham

total: 400 calories

Enough to send most people running for the hills you would think?

She's starting tomorrow.

I don't know if I am more angry or saddened by her. She is clearly incredibly ignorant to EDs, but she is also desperate to lose weight at any cost. Well, that's something I do identify with.

Some habits I have no intention of giving up

1. Drinking diet drinks. WHY would anyone choose to DRINK calories? I just don't get it.

2. Grilling instead of frying. I can think of nothing in this world which needs to be fried. Nothing.

3. Fat free yoghurt/cheese etc. They tried to make me eat the full fat ones once. I argued very passionately and won :)

4. Exercise. Ok, so I don't walk for three hours at a time  any more, but 30 minutes everyday is a very good habit. And my dog thanks me for it.

5. Not eating after 7pm. I just don't think I would ever NEED to eat after this time. Possibly slightly autistic of me.

6. Bulking up meals with veg or salad. Hey, it fills you up and its good for you!

7. Vegetarian sausages. I genuinely prefer them to real ones.

I guess my point is that actually some things we do when we have EDs aren't really unhealthy. Put it to extremes and add in heavy restriction, then, yeah, you have a problem. Often though it's fine to make these choices. It's a sign of a balanced lifestyle. :)

Self indulgent comparison on my daily diet now and a year ago... :)

I think this is a useful exercise for anyone in recovery, sometimes we can forget how far we've come. So, here is a typical day for me one year ago. In fact, I've dug out my "Ana diary" and actually FOUND today's date last year to put on here :) and then what I ate today follows!

1.12.09

Breakfast:
Ready brek made with water (110 cals)
Lunch:
weight watchers chicken noodle soup (50 cals)
Mid afternoon:
2 x satsumas (50 cals)
Dinner: Salad, 2 slices of ham (150 cals)

total: 350 calories.

1.12.10:

B: 2 weetabix, skimmed milk, apple (250)
L: Ham sandwich, crisps, grapes (450)
Mid  afternoon: Slice of cake (250)
Dinner: jacket potato, tuna and salad (400)
Evening: Hot chocolate, packet of malteasers (300)

1,650 cals

And you know what? The food I consumed today is technically not enough. I aim to have 2000 calories a day  in order to maintain my weight. In theory, if I continue to eat around 1,600 a day, I will LOSE weight.

So, today, I ask anybody reading with an ED to eat an extra 100 calories. Just today. I promise it won't make a difference to your weight, but it could make you feel a little more human, and it may even kick start your metabolism.

My love - hate relationship with Wetherspoons

Oh Spoons, how I love you, with your "lighter choices" menu so readily available, along with nutritional info for ALL of your food. I can choose my meal by calories: 250 for a chicken and ham salad, 600 for egg and chips, 1,955 for a large mixed grill.

Woah.
Stop right there. 1,955 CALORIES FOR ONE MEAL?!
The best thing? thats with a jacket potato and salad. It's actually better, calorie wise to opt for the chips at a mere 1,890 cals. Well, thats ok then.

It just makes me ask, WHY? No one  needs that amount of calories in their diet, it is catering to pure gluttony. It makes me annoyed, disgusted and kinda scared.

. I'd much rather have the sweet chilli noodles at 297 calories and 5% fat. Actually, I could eat an entire tub of ben and jerry's and still be better off. Or 9 packets of walkers cheese and onion crisps.

How about a big mac meal? yep, thats less too. Even a small portion of fish and chips would be lower in calories.

Anyway, I digress. But am I the only person who feels that restaurants should have some sort of calorie cap for their main meals? If it's more than 1000 calories, it goes. There must be any number of delicious, lower cal foods they could provide, and I doubt anyone would even notice...

Learning to ignore Ana

eight months into my recovery, a surprisingly comfortable two stone gain and three regular meals a day.

Yet, "Ana" is still there. Take this morning at breakfast:
"Good God, are you ACTAULLY going to eat TWO weetabix AND milk?"
Why, yes I am, and I will enjoy it, thank you.
"You FAT COW, Lose a weetabix and have it with water instead."
And why would I want to do that?
"Erm... so you don't become MASSIVELY OBESE!"
Hmm, I could do that, it wouldn't hurt, would it?
"To be honest, you really need to lose a few pounds, have you seen your hips lately?"
WOAH! My hips are fine, they're average hips, SHUT UP!

I could continue in this vain for some time if I allow it, but the point of recovery is learning firstly to ignore that negative . How do I do it?

Well, it's really not easy, but it gets easier. Constant positive thoughts:

One more weetabix won't make a difference to my weight
If I skip a weetabix, I give the illness a chance to grab me again
I'm fine as I am now, I have curves, not fat, curves.
I am a healthy weight
I need to eat so I can get married next year and have children.

That last one normally does it, lol.

Try it today, when you hear the negative thoughts, replace them with something positive. Go on, I dare you!

My favourite dinners...

So… this healthy eating business…

Here’s the thing, I’m NOT fully recovered, I doubt I ever will be if I’m honest, I’ll always have a preoccupation with food, calories and fat. It’s just that these days I obsess somewhat over keeping close to 2000 cals a day rather than as little as possible. Anyway, today’s blog contains some yummy dinners for around 400 cals or less. I know, a lot for someone following something like the ABC or if you’re just scared of eating full stop, but if you allow fruit and veg as “free” or follow something like skinny girl, go for it! Also, if you’re in recovery like me, these recipes are great as the calorie content isn’t terrifying and these have lots of veg in them so feel healthy! J

Easy Chicken casserole: You will need: A skinless chicken breast, one sliced carrot, half a sliced onion, a few mushrooms, half a tin of tomatoes, a chicken stock cube, and a small baking potato. Whack everything in the oven at 180 degrees for about an hour, and you’re done. Just check the chicken’s cooked before you eat it!! All this for 400 calories, 300 excluding veg J

Quorn stir fry: Get a bag of Quorn’s chicken style pieces (frozen section of super market 30 cals per ¼ pack) a pepper, 4 mushrooms, a few sugar snap peas, half a red onion, a tablespoon of sweetcorn, garlic to taste, a tablespoon of soy sauce and a cup of plain noodles. Follow the instructions to cook 1/2 the quorn packet and a cup of noodles and stir fry the veg in water for 5 to 10 mins. Around 300 cals, 150 if you don’t count veg J For more cals you can use beef or pork instead of Quorn.

Give them a try :)

Anorexia and me...

Ooh, Izzy has a shiny new Blog! Can't believe that I've never done this before...I only hope that people read this and maybe gain some understanding or inspiration from my knowledge.

  So, why am I blogging? Well, I'm in recovery from Anorexia, and I got to thinking about all the things I know now about Eating disorders, the Pro Ana movement, even healthy eating and dieting (Extreme and otherwise.) And I wondered, would any of it interest others? Well, I don't know about that, but I guess time will tell, I'm going to post my blog on a couple of forums and see if I get any visitors. So, Please, If you Visit, COMMENT FOR ME! Just say hi, let me know you're out there :)

So, on to the blog!

For me, Anorexia was, and still is an illness, yet I've called my blog "running from Ana".
Why the personification? Well, Ana is something which came to me from the pro ana movement I was deeply engrossed in for a time, and I came to realise that Ana is a fantastic way of dealing with this illness.

For one, Anorexia can take the form of a voice in your head, not always a voice you recognise as your own "You're fat, God, all you think about is stuffing your FAT face, go running, it might stop you becoming massively obese." Woah, Where does that even come from? surely that amount of loathing isn't ME? Of course it's not, it's Ana.

  A lot of people take Ana further, she becomes a friend, helping in your mission to become perfect. Only Ana understands, only Ana can keep you going when you want to crack and eat the entire kitchen. Well, yes, that's true, but remember that Ana is essentially YOU, and your thoughts which have become twisted due to hunger and low self esteem among other things. Blaming Ana for your behaviour is wonderful escapism, but allowing yourself to see Anorexia as a friend is a guaranteed way to delay eventual recovery.

The other big part of the pro ana movement is the belief that Ana is a lifestyle choice. Quite simply, it's not. I would go so far as to suggest that someone who "decides" to become anorexic has plenty of issues already and may like to consider therapy before joining weight watchers to learn how to lose weight healthily.

So, yes, I use the term Ana, but I want to make it clear that I don't see Ana as a friend, more a part of me who I like to distance myself from, I view her as a character in my life story - the villain in a fairytale. And we all know that the goodies always win :)